I recently entered a colossal glass roofed shopping mall spreading over acres of land. The structure seemed like something in between an island and spaceship or a mall planet closely orbiting earth. I generally avoid these environments as my spacesuit isn’t equipped to endure the atmosphere. The gasses generated from such places suit the aliens who look like me but require another type of atmosphere to exist. Prolonged exposure to the mall planet’s atmosphere causes both people and aliens to succumb to impulse buying behaviors.
While walking on the surface of mall planet the sensors on my spacesuit detected fumes gassing from $800 dollar leather purses. I notice many aliens carry credit cards and other charging devices in these show bags to continue generating high pressured debt. But carefully designed exoskeletons allow these aliens to carry the debt burden while maintaining an expressionless look. Their deadpan faces are similar to the photographs displayed in the mall of fashion models wearing designer clothes while carrying highly coveted and priced handbags. But who noticed these trophy bags since most aliens walk with heads titled down to gaze at communication devices? Some aliens carry the trophy purses to the mall planet while wearing pajamas just to sit and drink caffeine.
As I venture deep into this unfamiliar planet I realize it is filled with millions of pieces of designer space debris. The openings on each side of the tarmac grant access to vast showy warehouses where pulsing music, shimmering homing devices and blinking beacons guide aliens to boots, polished metal trinkets, gilded suits and more. It’s all available and acquisition requires only a credit card. I’m relieved as warehouse workers evaluate my spacesuit and decide I am not one of the aliens. These semi-robots sharply reduce their pre-purchase dialog with me (which gets modified depending on what exoskeleton an alien wears).
The island-spaceship-mall planet defies common sense. I see palm trees nearly hovering in space inside glowing blue glass boxes. White flags hang above these full-sized artificial trees and serve as antennas guiding shoppers to the correct designer space debris depots. Some consider these flags as displays of public art. The flags are without color or content and fill the void above the fake palm trees. The trees and the flag mean absolutely nothing. Perhaps this is to remind us we are nothing until we buy something? Buy something, put the exoskeleton on, and fit in. To be an alien means we’ll learn to bear crushing debt and even feel normal racing around frantically in automobiles costing as much as some homes after departing from the mall planet.
I did see a pair of $215 dollar shoes I liked. I’m not sure, but my spacesuit may have temporarily malfunctioned allowing me to detect leather scent which weakened my logic. Or, the flag-antenna system successfully signaled “BUY ME” data into my brain. Fortunately a defense system in my brain will override it and guide me to a thrift store. I will eventually find those shoes in a thrift store where out of fashion space debris gets reacquisitioned by people living down on earth.
As Black Friday approaches (and all variations and renditions released by the alien mother ship), I wish all fellow humans good luck and good shopping. Let’s buy stuff to cram into our closets and rented storage units! Buy even more stuff to leave in our automobile trunks until we remember to carry it into our cluttered lives. Or…RAISE YOUR SPACE DEBRIS SHIELDS! But…eventually we will succumb to the aliens vast marketing power.
…..High on my gift wish list this year….. the before you “go” toilet spray gift-set that cloaks my stink before I let it go. And all imaginary readers who made it to this point wish I used that toilet spray before I posted this c#%p. Too late.
Now get out and buy something you didn’t need! And if all else fails remember…Things Sell Better With Jesus (Yes you can buy this sticker/note-card…See! The aliens on the Mall Planet got me to make a sales pitch before Black Friday).
Things Sell Better With Jesus
So….Peace, love and happiness to those who celebrate for many reasons between mid-November and January 1st.